Handling difficult people without force

a small win from a team offsite

Today´s “Field Note” will as usual be a reflection upon a real PM situation or problem, but this one is not specific for PM´s, it´s generic for all of us!

We’re forming a new team that needs to collaborate with another department. To start well, we planned a team day on their floor—two rooms booked, plenty of free space to mingle, the whole point of being on their floor was to create spontaneous meetings and conversations.

The afternoon before, a manager from that department canceled both rooms: “You’re not authorized. These rooms are for our people.” Same company, shared facilities. It landed like a power move. We considered pushing back—policy docs, mail threads, cc: everyone—but that would have thrown us into a control battle.

Instead, we didn’t fight. We went to the department head, asked for his view, and shared our intent—to build ties and make work easier for both sides. He welcomed it immediately: “Of course, use the rooms. Glad you’re doing this.” The day went ahead, energy intact.

---

The Taoist bit: flow > force

Taoism’s wu wei isn’t doing nothing—it’s not forcing. You shape conditions, then stop pushing so the right result can emerge. In our case: rather than react to the blocker, we moved one level up, found the source of legitimate authority, and let a straightforward “yes” flow through. (And crucially, we left everyone with face—no public shaming, no policy throw-downs.)

---

A calm playbook you can use this week (10 minutes)

1) Name the purpose, not the problem.

“We’re trying to seed collaboration between our teams. Tomorrow’s plan: informal work + meet-ups on your floor.”

2) Switch channels to widen perspective.
If a gatekeeper blocks, change altitude (go one level up) or change medium (walk over, short call). Keep it private; offer face.

3) Use humble inquiry to open.

“Can I get your view on using Rooms A/B for this purpose?”
“What would make this feel good for your team too?” stsroundtable.com

4) Ask for a clear, legitimate call.

“Given we’re one org and rooms are shared, are you comfortable green-lighting our booking for tomorrow?”
You’re not arguing policy; you’re requesting a decision.

5) Close the loop and protect relationships.
Confirm the decision to all involved without blame.

“Thanks for the quick guidance—appreciated. We’ll go ahead and we’ll keep noise low; happy to swap rooms if you suddenly need them.”

6) Debrief internally in two lines.

“What triggered escalation? What early signal would catch it sooner next time?”

---

Below we take a deeper look into what the research says to back this strategy up! We also give you 5 scripts for common “difficult person” moments and how to adress it successfully!