Week 4 — The Mirror of Others

Feedback as Reflection

Series: Self-Reflection & Self-Leadership for Project Managers (Week 4 / 6)

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Early in my career, I thought that self-reflection was about retreating into a quiet corner bring out a notebook and make yourself a promise to think things through. But as I have deepened my understanding over the years I’ve come to realize that real learning doesn’t always happen in silence. Many times it arrives in the shape of another person’s sentence in the form of feedback, intentional or unintentional.

A few years ago, I was working as a headmaster at a primary school. I had a way of systematically collecting feedback from my employees, teachers and teaching assistants mostly. Every three months I handed out a form where everyone anonymously could give me feedback on my leadership over the last three months. My goal was to read this feedback, and use it to improve my leadership. One of these feedback periods I had several people checking the box for me showing arrogance in my leadership. This hit me like a fist in the belly! I remember the instinctive wave of resistance. “Me, arrogant! How?” I said to myself. “That’s not true, I’m open, I always ask for opinions!” I continued, still talking to myself. But somewhere underneath the defense, I had an itch of something feeling true about the feedback. I had to check this with one of my closest colleagues with whom I had a very good and honest relationship where we helped each other with reflection and feedback. After explaining the feedback and talking for a while about the three last months and what I had been through together with the employees in regards of meetings, development and situations where my leadership had been displayed, my colleague said to me: “You make it hard for people to disagree with you.” My way of expressing myself had sounded more like statements of truth (in my eyes) than statements inviting curiosity and discussion. Hence, the employees felt there was no room for their opinions and I came out as the arrogant besserwisser. Which was the opposite of what I was intending!

That feedback and my colleagues honest comment became a mirror I didn’t expect but needed badly! It didn’t show a mistake but a habit, the way I unconsciously managed to formulate sentences and express myself gave me a tone to sound certain, and how that certainty sometimes silenced the room because there was no room for anything else to be said. It showed me that my “clarity” sometimes landed as finality, and that the room fell silent not because they agreed, but because they felt there was no space left to enter.

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A philosophy take - Seeing with others’ eyes

The African philosophy of Ubuntu says, “I am because we are.” It reminds us that the self is not an isolated unit but a relationship in motion and you do not exist as a leader apart from the people you lead. Self-reflection, then, is not a solo performance; it is a dialogue that gives you the chance to broaden and refine your perception. Who I am as a project manager is inseparable from how I’m experienced by the project team and others.

The Aboriginal practice of Dadirri, the deep listening, adds another dimension. It invites us to listen beyond words, to sense meaning in pauses, expressions, even tension. Dadirri is not waiting for your turn to talk but it is the discipline of stillness that lets another person’s truth or the signals from the surrounding environment reshape your own perception of truth. This relates to the Street Smart project management I have researched where this deep listening is similar to the sensing that separates the very best project managers from the rest.

Taken together, Ubuntu widens the lens and Dadirri deepens it, to form a sort of philosophy where reflection becomes co-reflection. This co-reflection becomes a way of learning to know yourself through listening to and sensing others, without surrendering yourself to them.

Below our paying subscribers will get a look at how the Individual Development Goals supports this and some relevant research to look into plus a small practice to use in your self-reflection journey.